Tonight it did just this. I sat in my bed, trying to get some sleep before my big job interview tomorrow afternoon, and my mind wandered. Whenever it wanders like it did, I can't sleep. My brain is just too active and I can't seem to calm down. First, I tried to concentrate on the music I had playing from my stereo, but that reminded me of a girl from college that I had a thing for. I tried to think of something else, but I couldn't. My mind kept coming back to her. She was/is a writer. So that got me thinking about my interview, which is for a position as a reporter for a local newspaper. If I get the job, I won't be able to play rugby as much as I used to. This fact made me think about how I've recently wanted to start a rugby club at my old high school.
After about 20 minutes of my mind wandering, I thought I'd flip through my high school yearbook. I flipped through, and it only depressed me. I realized that my high school career was a miserable one for me. I had bad hygiene, I was fat, I had few friends, and I never did anything on the weekends. Sports... I wrestled in high school. Looking back, though, just reminded me of what a douchebag I used to be and how I wasn't well liked.
Speaking of health and bad hygiene, I used to weigh 270 pounds. I love to eat. That's no crime, but after a while of looking at myself in the mirror, I got disgusted by how I looked. Not only that, but diabetes runs in my family, and I wanted no part of that. I was heavy for a good portion of my life. I'm still a bit heavy, but I frequent the gym now. Not just for myself, but for my teammates. I have to bulk up, otherwise, I'm no use on the rugby pitch. But I digress. I had bad hygiene, too. I never brushed my teeth, I showered like twice a week, and I finally got disgusted with myself. When I lost the first 40 pounds, I found myself dressing better, showering more, just all around caring about myself a little more.
That was a big transition for me. Getting down to less than 200 pounds. I'm not skinny, but at least my risk for heart disease and diabetes went down exponentially.
I that with being thinner and not being a douchebag anymore, I'd have a little more luck with the ladies. That thought just makes me laugh now. It's not really about looks, I'm starting to realize. It's how you conduct yourself around them. Being heavy for so long has fucked with my confidence. And confidence is important in everything I do. In rugby, I need to be more confident that I can catch a pass instead of worrying about dropping it. In songwriting, I need to be more confident that my songs are well-written (well... some of them). Mostly, I need to stop thinking I'm never good enough, which, unfortunately is what I've been told many times). And I need to stay confident about this job interview. I deserve this position and I need to let these people know it.
These things plague my mind and I just think about some of the most random things. Some of my friends say I'm an overthinker, and I try to analyze some things a little too much. This would be an understatement. I try to analyze EVERYTHING. This is probably why I can't get to sleep right now. Three in the fucking morning. Ugh!
Job interview... What do I wear?... Navy suit... The navy... My grandfather was in the navy... I wonder how grandma is doing... Uncle Frank lives next door to her... I wonder how he's doing... That time we saw Steely Dan at the Beacon... I love New York City... I miss New York City... The Walk the Moon concert last month... And there it is. Everything comes back to a woman. I can't even move on from there. My mind wanders until it settles on that. Then I can't control it and it wanders for more.
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